3 words

Today's 2 hours of happiness were brought together by 3 simple words...

I made dough.

Need I say more?

I Love you dough-playing little people so much.

Love, mom

You are special

Kids,

It's hard to narrow down just one thing that made me happy from today--so I will pick one for each of you.

Kaden, today you ran around with one of dad's socks on your leg. You announced in your best 3 year old superhero voice that you had superhero sock power, and busted out the moves to match. You never fail to make us laugh.

Spencer, seeing Kaden do his superhero moves, encouraged you to do your own crazy dance moves...who knew you were such a good dancer? You seriously had dad and I sitting there with raised eyebrows wondering how you learned to move your body the way you did. Another fine moment was when we were reading stories and you pointed out all the colors correctly when asked. This is such a small thing, I know. But we were SO PROUD...you're learning and coming along, and we are so happy for you.

Jenna--tonight at bedtime I got to lay in bed with you and talk to you about where you came from and why you are here on earth. We talked about needing to be more obedient and why it was important--and how special it was for your spirit to be here in our family. There are these tender moments, so infused with the spirit, that I hope we can always have. And most of all, I hope you remember how much I want us all to be together again, living with Heavenly Father. I can't imagine you not being with me...always.

I love you each. You are special and unique in your own ways.

Love, mom

Snow day snuggles

Dear Jenna,

Today was officially declared a snow day. I have to say that I think I was more excited than you were...

So seeing how I didn't have to get up and get everyone ready by a certain time, and trudge through the snow and bad roads, I jumped back in my bed and snuggled under the covers.

You came right in and laid next to me...in the dark, we talked with daddy...just letting the minutes slip by without a care in the world. Eventually dad had to get ready to leave so it left just you and me to snuggle, until just moments later, Spencer joined us with a book.

So there we were this morning, you and me and Spencer and a book, snuggled in a big bed while the wind whipped around outside and the snow poured down outside.

I think every day should be a snow day if they include mornings like this.

I love you, and am excited to have you home today.

Love mom

Doing the Macaroni

Dear Kaden,

Today for dinner we had homemade macaroni. You are a mac and cheese kind of guy, no matter how it comes, so you were especially excited about this dinner.

You have a dance for everything, it seems. And tonight was no different. You busted out your moves and did the macaroni dance.

It made us all laugh.

You are good at that... :)

Love, mom

A look back...

Kids,

Today I found such joy in rereading the posts I have written in this journal. During quiet time I read through what I have written, tearing up during some, laughing during others...and remembering so vividly the times I had written about. It is amazing how after writing something down on paper it becomes engraved in your memory too. Even if you forget temporarily, somehow rereading those words beings it all back...

I think that is one thing I love most about this journal. It is allowing me to record the precious times I have so often let slip away only to blow away like a leaf in the wind. It is allowing me to go back through and SEE how many great times we had had together...how many moments of inspiration I have had...and what beautiful, wonderful kids you are.

I have realized lately, that there has been a change in me as well. I feel a little more patient (not perfect..not even close...but working on being better). I feel more empathy towards you...I feel more connected to you. I have heard more I love you's...I have been given more hugs...and I think I have done the same thing in return.

This has truly given me a change of heart.

I still have frustrating days. I still have a short temper sometimes. And I still have a lot of areas to work on. But in the past month and a half I have felt even a small portion of the great change I see is possible. And I am excited to see how much better we can become...together.

I love you. Thank you for loving me. It is truly the greatest gift one can be given...to be loved by a child.

Love, mom

The simple life

Dear kids,

Sometimes I find that I become so preoccupied with finding the perfect distraction for you all that I forget how simple life can be...

Case in point: EVERY time I make anything with dough (bread, pizza, rolls, etc) you ALWAYS ask for some to play with. And you play with it for HOURS. You haul it all over the house. You make funny shapes. You even take it in the car if I let you.

Today was one of those days.

And as I was standing in the kitchen kneading my dough with you boys surrounding me, playing with your own dough, it hit me how SIMPLE life can be.

It's not about WHAT toys we have or how many...it's not about the batteries or the computer games or the fun TV shows you have to watch. It's not about the perfect organization system or the colorful educational books I have bought or any other little thing I think you need to have entertainment throughout the day.

It IS, however, playing with dough, and imagining with cardboard boxes...it's playing in the snow with my funnel set, and pretending to be a cleaner with my basting brush. It's quiet moments where I can see your little brains working a million miles a minute...and watching you create the most wonderful things out of nothing.

That is the simple life...the good life...the life I have often abandoned for one that was "well thought out" and "entertaining".

I am grateful for today...for pieces of dough...and for your reminder that the simple life is often the best life.

You make me better...

Dear kids,

This afternoon was hard. REALLY hard.

There was screaming and crying and fighting and such.

I felt like a failure for not knowing how to get everyone in line and under control.

We had dinner, and the whole time I was thinking--tonight, we are NOT having family night. We are going to take baths and watch a movie and go to bed. I can't deal with everyone not listening to a lesson. I just can't.

But all through dinner, you asked...all of you. "Is tonight our meeting?" (that's what you call it... :) "Mom, what's our meeting about?" etc...

And when I let you know we might not have it, you protested. You insisted we did have it. You wouldn't let me quit...

So we all knelt in our circle on the floor to have our family night lesson. And you all sat there, listening. I felt such peace. And I think about that bit of peace I would have missed if I had gone with my head instead of my heart.

You kids make me better. You do.

Thank you for pushing me, when I need a little shove in the right direction.

Love, mom

The funny guy

Dear Spencer,

Tonight at dinner, you thought you were a real comedian. And I have to say that seeing you laugh so hard, brought all my giggles to the surface too.

You stood behind me as I was eating, and tapped on my shoulder. As soon as I would turn around, your hands would cover your gigantic smile and you would start laughing hysterically.

This went on and on, over and over...

You really are a funny guy and you make us laugh so often...just another thing I love about you, and about my day.

Love you lots.

Mom

Clean up, clean up

Kids,

Today I attempted to involve you all in the mundane chores of the day.

While the attention spans didn't last too long, when you WERE involved, you were excited. Jenna, you went above and beyond and not only cleaned the bathroom sink, but the toilet as well. I say, you're hired...any day! :) Kaden, you did a great job picking up the toys and getting them...well...almost all the way downstairs. And Spencer, you were so proud to hold up your little list with 2 jobs, the first being to put away all the shoes from the living room, and the second being to be good. :)

Those 10 minutes of assistance and working together made me truly feel happy...and I love that you guys were excited to help out...may that attitude last for a good long time.

Love, mom

Overworked and Underappreciated

Kids,

I was feeling completely overwhelmed this morning. The house didn't get as clean as I wanted last night, and it threw the whole day off. I was rushing to meet your demands for breakfast and drinks and everything else, trying to hurry you through so we could get Jenna to school on time, and taking care of my long to-do list.

I have tried so hard to keep it all together lately...to keep up on laundry and cleaning and cooking homemade meals every night. I have felt such a sense of pride in doing so. I love being a mom, and I know it's a lot of work. But one thing you probably won't realize until you are a parent with small children, is that all that work and all the to-do lists and things you will have to go through to hold life together are so much easier if you feel appreciated every now and then. And let's face it...that doesn't always happen.

So today, I found myself crying in the shower. Kicking myself for letting life get to me, and feeling overwhelmed and lonely...

But then Kaden, in the car on the way to take Jenna to school, out of the blue you said, "mom, I love you". And it was like those 4 words took away all the sadness and frustration of my morning...it made a difference to me. It really did.

And you know what? It also made me realize something else...that sometimes you guys may just need those moments of I love you...I appreciate you...not that I don't say those things. But that maybe you have times where you feel like I did...and you don't need things to be transformed somehow, you just need to know that you are loved and appreciated for you who are and what you do...

Thank you for this sweet lesson...and for loving me, despite my many flaws.

I am glad I am your mom.

Love,

me

The perfect gift

Dear Kaden,

Today, after a long while of pleading, I let you go outside in the snow. You are just the cutest to watch exploring and playing out there...

I had let you go out for a few minutes alone while I finished putting Spencer down for a nap. But I was surprised when you popped your head in a couple minutes later and said you needed me. I hurried to the back door, and your sweet smile met me there.

With big, sincere eyes you said...

"mom, I have got the BEST present for you...a SNOWBALL!"

It was the perfect gift little buddy... :) Thank you for thinking of me and making me smile.

Love, mom

My little snuggle bug...

Dear Spencer,

Tonight, before bed, you smacked your poor little face right into the door. It called for some serious lovin'.

So while the other kids brushed teeth and finished getting ready for bed, you sat with me in the rocking chair...the very chair we bought just after you were born...and snuggled right up while I sang songs to you and we rocked.

Snuggling you is one of the things I love the most...you are SUCH a great snuggler and you always have been. Thank you for letting me hold you so close tonight and be reminded of how much joy and love you bring to our family. You are such a special little guy.

Love,

mom

Toys, Toys for good girls and boys

Kids,

Today we went to the toy library and picked out some stuff to check out.

This is one of your favorite things to do...and I love sharing new stuff with you without paying for it. :)

I've got to say though, that the joy I found today was in the 20 minutes of peace you gave me while you explored the new goods downstairs.

Thank you for some me time...

Love you.

mom

Love...

Dear Jenna,

Tonight you asked what our Family Night lesson would be about. I told you it would be about how Jesus showed us how to love others. You were SO excited about the lesson.

You offered to say the prayer at dinner. In it you said, "and please help all the people who don't know what love is..."

We hadn't even had the lesson yet! :) But it made my heart happy to know it was on your mind and you were anxious to learn...

You make me proud...

Love, mom

Living life like a second chance...

It's Valentine's Day.

And I hope you each know how much I love you.

You are the best gift one could ever receive...and you keep on giving year round. With your sweet smiles and hugs, and little personalities...I just love you so much.

Yet, there were many moments today where I felt overwhelmed and frustrated with each of you...for disobeying or for throwing fits...or some other thing.

And then I read a blog about a woman whose son accidentally drowned in a bathtub 2 weeks ago. He was just 16 months old...and he was announced DOA at the hospital.

But 2 weeks and a million miracles later, that same little boy was running on his own, out of the hospital. Can you imagine having a second chance at life like that? That very question is what was on my mind today, as I thought about each of you.

What would I do if you were gone and then came back? What would I change? Would I do less yelling? Would I do more playing? Would we snuggle more? And how many memories would I be anxious to take advantage of?

I guess the truth is, I would do a lot different. I would BE a lot different.

I am only human...I make so many mistakes...but yet I hope I can make the little changes to live life this time around like I would if there were a miraculous second time around...

That is in my heart...it is my desire and what I hope I can give to each of you, the way you give so many things to me.

I love you all, my little Valentines.

Love mom

Chitter chatter

Dear Jenna,

Today you talked and talked and talked. All day. You talked. You talked about people texting you on your pretend cell phone, and you chanted your way through playing on the Wii, and you did play by plays of every single thing that happened during our day.

IT WAS HILARIOUS.

You said so many things I can't even begin to write them all...

I just love seeing how your personality is developing...it's one of the most incredible miracles ever.

I love you little chatterbox!

Love, mom

A good man...

Dear kids,

Today we had a great day together. I found a million joyful moments I could write about.

But I wanted to write about an experience that reminded me of extreme joy...and that would be dad.

Tonight, daddy brought home some flowers--one pink, for Jenna, and one red, for me. He sneaked them inside and had Kaden and Spencer go in and sign cards for each of us to wish us a Happy Valentine's Day.

And then he had you boys bring them up to Jenna and I.

I was so touched. I loved that he thought of Jenna too, and that he involved the boys. One thing I love about daddy is that he really wants to teach you each how to be GOOD...but especially for the boys to grow up knowing how to be good and respectful men.

I hope you each know that the most important reason I married your daddy is because he IS a good man...a very good one. I hope you see that in his hard work and dedication...and in the way he plays with you guys...and most importantly, I hope you see it especially in the way he treats me.

Love, mom

A little snuggle...

Dear kids,

Today was an exciting day for me....it was Jenna's last day of school for the week, and the beginning of a 4 day weekend. I AM SO EXCITED! I love having you all home...

We had a nice, simple dinner and then after you each took a bath and got pj's on, we all snuggled on the couch and watched Harold and the Purple Crayon together. We laughed, and I listened to your funny comments...and I loved every moment.

I also realized that in the hundreds of times you have watched that show, I don't think I have ever seen the whole thing through...in fact, I don't think I have watched many of your favorite shows all the way through...and that's something I want to change.

It was a good way to end the day...snuggling close to each of you.

Love, mom

The Valentine

Dear Jenna,

Today was such a busy day for me. Running here and there in the middle of a snowstorm...trying to keep up with paperwork and stuff daddy needed done for school...I was exhausted! And after spending much of my day in the snow, I just wanted to come home and snuggle up in a big blanket.

And then I remembered that tomorrow is your last day of school for the week, meaning that it would be the day you bring Valentine's cards. I didn't want you to get to school and be crushed when other people were passing things out, and you had nothing, so we got all bundled up again and went back out into the blowing snow to go to the store.

I have to admit, the whole time I was thinking..."you owe me. You owe me big. You owe me for dragging myself out in the cold to make sure you have stinkin' cards to pass out...and you owe me for doing your laundry and making your lunch and bringing you a special snack after school every day and cleaning your room...and you owe me for all the times you go to the school nurse with silly ailments (like a potential loose tooth) that result in me getting called or notes sent home with instructions to give you pain medication...oh it makes me feel like such a lousy mom!"

But then as we got back in the car to go home, I listened to you count to 100 twice...and watched you tromp through the deep snow instead of the nicely shoveled path...and when we got home and you were in bed, I told you we would wakeup early so you could write you name on them. You were taken back...and crushed...because somewhere in all this you had thought you were sending Valentine cards in the mail, to everyone in the world...

And it was then I realized that it isn't you who owes me...

It is me that owes YOU...

for teaching me that there are more people to think about in life than just myself...

and for showing me that sometimes the best path is the one not already taken...

and for making me see that you are one incredible little girl.

I love you Jenna.

I always will.

Love, mom

Storytime...I have missed you.

Dear kids,

I think that for a long time I was relieved when daddy was there to take over for stories and give me a break. It was nice to skip out and give someone else the chance to read...

But after being sick and hacking up a lung for way too long, I realized I MISSED it. I missed reading and singing and talking with you...

And so today, I read...and I read...and I read some more. You snuggled close and listened to every word, and anxiously helped turn the pages. I loved it. Lots. I hope I don't ever take something so simple as reading to you for granted, ever again.

It made my day.

Love, mom

I will obey...

Dear kids,

Tonight we had a family night lesson on obedience.

I want you to know I am really trying to do what's right...even though you all don't sit still and your mouths and bodies are moving a mile a minute while we try to read scriptures and say prayers.

I am trying. Daddy and I are trying together. But some nights it's just me. That is part of life right now.

Kaden helped me make copies of the coloring pages, and we worked on the lesson. So when it came time to have it, we colored our little puppet people and put them on a popsicle stick so you could hold them in your hand. And we did a little role play with the puppets...

I would ask things like, "Jenna, will you please clean up your room?" or "Kaden, will you please pick up the trash?" and each person would respond with their puppet, "I will obey".

We said it so many times, that to an outsider it probably sounded like brainwashing. :)

I want you each to know that tonight, in the little circle we made sitting on the floor coloring paper people and talking about obedience, is how I want to remember being a mom. YOUR mom.

I love you. And I love that our family can be forever...

Love, mom

Is this....?

Dear Kaden,

Today I worked all afternoon on a wonderful Mexican feast. I marinated the meat for carne asada tacos and put all the fresh taco toppings in bowls, and we set out together to make homemade tortillas...we worked so hard on everything and I was so excited to eat.

As we sat down for dinner, you looked at the taco I had placed on your plate and picked through the delicious carne asada pieces and exclaimed, "Mom, is this poop?"

While it totally crushed my hard working heart, I have giggled about it all afternoon.

You always say the funniest things...and that makes me really, really happy.

Love you,

mom

Breakfast in bed isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Dear kids,

Today I got up early with you all, like usual, and decided we would make pancakes for breakfast. You love it when I make your pancake shaped as the first letter of your name. And as I was making them, daddy offered to let me go back to sleep and he would bring me breakfast in bed.

I was ECSTATIC!

So I raced upstairs and back into my cozy bed. I laid there snuggled up, nice and warm, and eventually daddy brought me a stack of pancakes to eat while I read emails and such.

It was a moment I should have been thrilled to have...

But I wasn't.

Instead, I heard your happy voices downstairs, devouring your letter pancakes and laughing and having a great time. And every part of me wished I was downstairs with you...taking in the morning together.

You guys make life more fun. You do. And I love the good times we have together...

Just wanted you to know that.

Love, mom

When?

Dear Spencer,

I thought about you a lot today. You are growing up so fast. Sometimes I look at you and I have to do a double-take to make sure it's really YOU!

One of my favorite things is to watch when daddy takes you to the bathroom before we go to bed. You are SOOOO sleepy, and so daddy carries your body in his arms....the very same little body that used to be snuggled so small in one compact little bundle is now composed of legs that dangle down and arms that wrap around daddy's shoulders.

When, little Spence, did you get so big?

When did I blink and let it happen?

I have been watching you closely...watching to make sure you wouldn't grow up too fast on me. But yet, you somehow have.

It just makes me want to take a full day to snuggle, and hold you so close, because every single day you seem to be THAT much older...that much more independent.

And my love for you grows THAT much more.

I love you little man.

Love, mom

Oh Boy!

Dear baby inside of me,

Today I got to go for a last minute ultrasound. As the technician searched around my belly to make sure everything was okay inside, it became clear as day that YOU are a boy.

I must say I sat in silence, mulling it all over.

A boy? Another boy? Really?

I was just so surprised.

It isn't that I didn't WANT a boy...that isn't the case at all. I just don't think I have ever pictured ME having so many boys!

But I let that fact sink in as I watched the rest of the ultrasound...your little heart fluttering, your perfect hands and feet, your cute profile, the way your legs stuck straight up, and how you flipped right over when the technician was trying to get a good shot. I found myself in complete awe watching you...this little person inside of me.

Perhaps I never pictured a family with so many boys...but sweet little guy, I just can't picture this family without YOU.

Thank you for being such a joyous surprise today.

I can't wait to meet you.

Love, mom

p.s. if you have any brilliant ideas for names, please send them our way. We are completely stumped.

Sometimes it's not a moment...

Today as I looked for a moment of joy to record here, I just could not pinpoint ONE. There was so many little snippets of my day that flashed through my mind as I sat down to write.

And I came to the conclusion that sometimes joy is not found in just one moment. But rather all those little moments make up the most wonderful feeling of joy.

The hugs and snuggling, and the sibling-given nickname of best friend...it's the praise over dinner and the smiles after baths, and just looking at each child and loving that they are mine.

Today joy was an experience.

And I loved it.

Fingerprints

Dear Kaden,

Today we had yogurt for breakfast. You took it upon yourself to smear it all over your hands and wipe it all over the window by the table.

I was so mad. LIVID.

I asked you several times to stop, and you ignored me in 3 year old style.

This made me even MORE angry.

But after getting Jenna to school and coming back home to take care of stuff, I saw those fingerprints over and over....and yet I could not bring myself to wipe them away.

All I could think was that someone, somewhere, was probably wishing they had yogurt smeared all over their windows. Perhaps it was someone who has lost a child, or someone who has not yet been able to have one, or someone whose child will never be able to use their hands to make messes like that.

It stayed on my mind all day...those fingerprints...and you. And how lucky I am to have you, messes and all.

And I realized how truly lucky I am when I was making you an apron today and you ran upstairs and exclaimed, "oh mom! My favorite color! Blue stripes!!!" And you hugged me as I held up the apron against your little body and you said, "mom, you make the BEST aprons EVER!"

Yes, Mr. Kaden. I will take those fingerprints all over my window every day of the year if it means I have you here with me.

Love, mom

One happy girl

Dear Jenna,

Today you were such an angel.

It was your first day back to school after missing a whole week. You told me on the way to school that you were so excited to just get out of that house! I couldn't agree more.

After school you were anxious to show me all your papers and things that filled your neglected backpack. Boy do we have a lot to catch up on! You walked me through your day and talked to me while we made dinner together, and you then gobbled up every bite on your plate!

You did a workout with daddy today--which you love. You are quite the little exercise champ! And when it came time for scriptures and prayer you sat still and listened quietly and did just as we asked.

It isn't that I love you MORE when you are so good, but I love seeing the wonderful girl you ARE when you behave so well. It makes me feel so proud of you and all you are becoming.

It was a good day, my happy girl.

Love you,

mom