Smoothies

Dear kids,

Today with dinner I served fruit smoothies. Boy did you all think we had hit the jackpot! Definitely a crowd pleaser! Little did you know I was getting rid of leftovers.... :)

One of the things that made me laugh the most was when Kaden took his fruit smoothie, straw and all, and set it by the bathtub while he soaked. Just seemed like we should plop on a pair of sunglasses and a swimsuit and move our bathtub to Hawaii. :)

If only.

Anyway, just a small little tidbit from a still sick day...loved watching you guys with your drinks.

I have a feeling we will be drinking many more smoothies in the near future...

Love, mom

Choosing YOU

Dear kids,

It's been almost a week since I wrote. I hope you don't feel as if those days were ones I lacked any joy in being a mother. They were just days full of sickness...for all of us. And while I had lofty aspirations to make sure you knew every single day at least one joy I found in being your mom, this week proved to be an obstacle.

This morning as I was laying somewhat lifeless on the couch, surrounded by kleenex and sniffles and coughing, I flipped the channels on TV and came across a news station that was airing a segment on the rise of couple who are choosing to be childless. This immediately caught my attention, so I tuned in to hear WHY!

One woman said she lacked maternal instinct and just had no desire from day one. Another woman said she had always wanted to have kids, but the longer she and her husband were married, the more comfortable they got with their life and realized that they always wanted it to be JUST THEM.

I must say that there have been times this week that I wished I wouldn't have had to take care of anyone else but me, especially being sick and still having to break up arguments, clean up messes, feed meals and snacks...but in all reality, those times are just a small part of the amazing deal I got being able to be a mom.

I can't imagine choosing not to have all the incredible experiences I have had as your mother. I can't imagine trading in the day each of you were born just so dad and I could have a nice income and freedom to go out all the time. I could never give up the time I have had watching each of you develop into a unique little person, and a combination of both daddy and I, so we could have fancy dinner parties and extended couples vacations. And I can't picture a family of 2. I just can't. Not when I have seen something so much more fulfilling.

My heart breaks for the couples that are choosing to see so nearsighted.

I hope you know, little ones, that here have been so many funny moments this week, despite the sickness. I have learned that Jenna gets pretty loopy when she is sick (which is really funny), and Spencer asks for a tissue EVERY SINGLE time he sees someone else blow their nose, and Kaden is a big time snuggler when he's not feeling well.

Little things like that, are memories and tidbits I will tuck away in my heart...they make me smile. YOU each make me smile.

I love you. And I am so glad I CHOSE to have you. I can't think of a better way to spend my life.

Love, mom

Blowing kisses

Dear Kids,

Every night when I am ready to leave your room after tucking you in, we have a ritual. You ALWAYS want to blow me out of the room with your kisses.

You kiss your hands and blow the kiss, and I act as though I was hit with 80 mile an hour winds. Obviously over exaggerated, I spin and fall backwards, each kiss and each step getting closer to the door until you blow the final BIG ONE and it blows me right outside the door.

It is something we have done for a while now...and yet, tonight, I just realized that it is something I think I will really, really miss when you don't want to do it anymore.

It's definitely a highlight in my day...and it makes me so happy to make YOU happy.

Good night my little ones. Blowing kisses right back at you.

Love, mom

Play Doh

Today we made Play Doh after church. Kaden LOVES play-doh and was THRILLED to get to play with it.

I was making some rolls at the kitchen table and he was sitting by me watching and rolling his little ball of play-doh in his hands.

All of a sudden he got a big smile and walked his little ball across the table to a piece of sticky bread dough. He said, "Mom, I'm a pomato (tomato)!" And as his little tomato plopped into the wad of sticky dough he exclaimed, "my pomato just stepped in GUM!"

I laughed and laughed. What a creative little guy...

Ice cream is such a dream...

Dear Spencer,

Today was our special day...just you and me and a trip to get ice cream.

Your eyes got so big when you saw all the choices...and you said yes to about 8 flavors, but I got a double yes on the cake batter icecream with sprinkles in it. I think the sprinkles won you over...

Your eyes and SMILE got even bigger when you saw the ice cream in the cone. YOU WERE SO EXCITED. You licked and licked and licked and hadn't even left evidence that any was eaten, except the ice cream all over your face.

You and I sat across from each other, mostly in silence, eating our icecream and giggling over the drips that you left all over the table. I asked you questions, and got the same responses...squeals and smiles. So I left it at that.

I just had so mun fun watching you tackle a giant ice cream cone...it truly made me happy.

I love you big boy...and I am so glad we had our time today.

Love, mom

Play

Dear kids,

Today was a rough day...I have to admit it. Hard to get each of you in the right direction without fighting with me or each other. I was feeling stressed and sad.

But towards the end of the day we had company come over. And you guys ran to the basement to play in the toy room. One thing I love is hearing your screams and squeals coming from downstairs.

I wish I could record those happy noises and play them back all the time.

I love hearing you happy. I do. And I hope I give you lots of reasons to feel that way.

Love, mom

MOOOOOOOM

Dear Spencer,

You say few words right now, but MOM is top on the list.

That makes me happy. :)

But what makes me even HAPPIER is that every time we see each other, whether I've just come back from shopping, or come back upstairs from doing laundry, you open your arms SO BIG and yell "MOOOOOOOOM".

It cracks me up...and makes my heart VERY, very happy.

I love you little man.

Love, mom

I still love you.

Dear kids,

Today was a terrible day. I was a terrible mom. And I am pretty sure the fact that I cried all the way through reading Curious George tonight is a clue that I feel so sad about it.

I can't go back and change things from today. I can't erase the massive headache I had all morning or turn time back and make you guys have had naps or not fight or give me 2 seconds of peace. And I can't go back and respond differently when all those things didn't happen today.

But I can still love you. I do. And I always will.

And I am sorry about today....

Love mom.

Silence.

Dear kids,

Sometimes, I say I liked our time best during a day because you kids were asleep. Those are the really rough, LOOOONG, endless days.

But today, I loved you best when you were asleep not because you misbehaved...but because I love to watch you each snuggle in with your eyes closed, in perfect peace and silence.

It gives me that moment (or many) to watch you and reflect on how amazing it is that you are here...that you once started off so small and have grown to something so big and wonderful. It is in those silent moments that I am shown a glimpse of how much Heavenly Father loves me.

He gave me you. Each of you.

And for that, I am grateful.

Love, mom

Family Day

Dear family,

Today there was no school for daddy or Jenna, so we decided to spend the whole day together.

Pizza for lunch and picking out dollar toys for each of you, and then a trip to the mall playplace filled our day.

If there is one thing that brings me the most joy of all, it's spending time as a family...seeing all of us together. I hope we all get very used to it, because that's where I want to be for eternity.

I love you all,

Love, mom

SMILE!

Spencer is a boy of few words...

But he is SO smart. And he is REALLY funny.

Today he was standing next to me and started to snuggle with me. So I told him, "Spencer, you make me SO happy"

He looked up and did his SMILE...intentionally completely squinty eyes with his teeth showing.

Totally precious.

Our morning PJ party

Dear Jenna,

Today you woke up pretty early after hearing a weird sound...a sound that we also heard and didn't know what it was. As daddy and I were laying in bed trying to go back to sleep, I turned over to change positions and was startled by the shadow of a girl with long hair in a nightgown.

I screamed.

And my screams scared you. So you crawled in bed with me and you and daddy and I laid there talking about what the noise could be and about the movie dad went and saw last night. And suddenly I got a brilliant idea that you and I should go to breakfast.

So we hurried downstairs, trying to be as quiet as possible as to not wake the boys. And even though they ended up waking up, we sneaked out in our pajamas and went to Denny's.

I think on many days I would have been ashamed to be seen in public in what I was wearing as pajamas...some old pink lounge pants and a teal t-shirt our landlord brought us from Hawaii. Let's just say that I was a fashion disaster...and I knew it. But I was so happy to have time with you...and to be going out for breakfast.

More acceptable than my outfit, however, was your cute princess jammie top and coordinating bottoms. However, I think that being 5 years old, you would have looked cute no matter what.

We were seated at our table and pulled out the menu. I loved talking to you about all the choices--you knew exactly what you wanted. The dunkers...ball shaped pancakes with syrup hoops. It was very cute.

While we waited we talked about all sorts of stuff. There was no crying, whining, complaining...none of that. Just you, my sweet girl, with your mind full of fascinating questions and cheerful conversation. I can honestly say, I enjoyed every minute with you.

At one point in our conversation, I asked if you were excited that you didn't have to school on Monday. Your answer was this..."oh yes! When I don't go to school, I get to stay home with my family. And I LOVE staying home with my family. Even on days like Saturday..."

You impressed me with your sincere answer.

As we were finishing up, a woman who had been sitting nearby came up to us and said that you were the sweetest little girl ever, and that she was so pleased to see that a mom and daughter could have such rapport between each other.

THAT MADE ME SO HAPPY...My heart swelled with joy to hear her say that....and I hope that we always have that special connection between us. I do. Whether it be over breakfast, or after school, or during a really hard time. I hope we have these moments together...often.

I love you Jenna girl...and I loved our time together today. It was the perfect way to start the morning...

Love,

mom

Dear baby...

Dear baby,

You have been on my mind so much today...well, lately in general. I am so very aware of you growing inside, and the aches and pains I feel as a part of that. :) But I am also extremely aware of how much you will mean to our family...and how much you already DO mean to us.

I want you to know that YOU ARE LOVED. You are wanted, and you are being prayed for daily by daddy and I...and your brothers and sister. The thing that brings me the most joy today, and as I have thought about how life will change when you enter this world, is that I can see Jenna and Kaden and Spencer ADORING you...loving you...cuddling you...singing songs and playing with you...

And my heart swells to think of all that love, all for you. One special little person.

I do not know what the future holds. Sometimes I wish I did...except that then I think I would be afraid to take another step in life. :) But I do know that you have a very important role in this family. I feel that.

I am excited to meet you...in due time...and to hold your sweet little spirit in my arms as you join the family that is praying you here...

We love you sweet baby.

Love, mom

Family Prayer

Dear Jenna,

Tonight you said family prayer. I love how you are including all these big words lately...utilizing every bit of your vocabulary...even if it doesn't make much sense. It is so cute.

In the prayer that you said tonight, along with the funny things you said (and re-said), you said "please bless mom to know I love her".

I do, sweet girl. I do. And I love you too.

Love,

mom

The concert

Dear kids,

Tonight you asked if you could put on a concert for daddy and I.

We agreed and put some dance music on for you all.

Within seconds you were all bustin' moves and swinging your bodies all over the place. It was SO funny.

Daddy and I sat on the couch together, holding hands and watching you. At one point in the song (Taylor Swift...because you are ALL fans) the words were sang "I keep thinking this is how it ought to be..."

While I know the song was really referring to romantic interests between a boy and girl, I couldn't help but look at each of you crazily swinging all over the living room and think to myself, "THIS is how it ought to be..." laughing, and loving, and enjoying each other.

This IS how it ought to be. Each of you a part of this family...with room for another little spirit to come and be a part of our family....to join in the laughter and silliness.

And to be so very loved....the way daddy and I love each of you.

And we do. OODLES.

Love, mom

Hand in hand

Today I had to go to the grocery store with all of the kids.

As much as I love them, shopping with all of them is not something I really enjoy. :)

And so, I find great pleasure in the fact that our grocery store has a free child care for kids over 3. And it just so happens that two of these children fit that category.

Jenna and Kaden were SO excited to go to the Eagle's nest. It was an occasion that called for BEST BEHAVIOR...and they showed it with zest.

And my heart MELTED as I watched them walk int the store together, hand in hand, Jenna leading the way and watching out for her little brother.

I am so thrilled that I have a family...and my children have companions to play with and love...

That brings me SUCH joy.

Getting to know you...

Today I spent some time with the boys in the toy room playing and doing puzzles and talking about letters. And at one point it hit me--

THEY KNOW SO MUCH!

Like, Kaden is a puzzle expert. And he knows more letters than I thought he did. And he loves learning.

And Spencer loves to follow along and be praised for putting his wood puzzle together...and for sliding letters in the pockets of our alphabet organizer...after I tell him where to. :)

Today I found joy in observing my two little misters...and getting to know them in a different way.

Hide and seek....

Dear kids...

Today we played hide and seek. Daddy started it. I tried to jump in on the fun, and when it was my turn to hide I jumped in the bathtub and pulled the curtain closed.

I was SO proud of my hiding spot.

Until I heard you guys finish counting and come after me. All of you were yelling, "Let's go INVESTIGATORS. Let's find mom!" And just hearing all your cute little voices so excited, with all your funny little comments, trying to find me made me LAUGH SO HARD. I tried to hold it in...I tried to muffle my giggles, I even held my nose so you wouldn't hear me breathe, but I couldn't stop it. I laughed and laughed and laughed...

And when you guys pulled back the shower curtain, you laughed too.

I love you all. I love your giggles. And I love playing hide and seek with you...even if I am a complete giveaway.

Love, mom

The way to a boy's heart...

Dear Kaden,

Today, after returning from the grocery store, you anxiously awaited the completion of my bringing all my bags of goods in. As I unloaded each bag, you squealed with excitement at all the things I bought. "LOOK MOM, CHEESE!" you exclaimed, along with a number of other cheers for the food that would fill our fridge.

But the thing that got me the most is when I pulled out your strawberry jam--the squirtable kind--because you are a PB & J kind of guy. Any kind of weather, no matter what other options I give you for lunch, you ALWAYS choose a good old fashioned peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And you ALWAYS insist on putting the jam on yourself.

So when you saw a shiny new bottle of squeezable jam, you about jumped out of your seat and ran over to it, stroking the curves in the bottle, screaming "it's my new jam mom, my new strawberry jam!"

I am just so happy that these kinds of simple things bring you so much joy...because watching you react to them brings ME so much joy.

I love you little guy.

Love, mom

Seeing the magic...

Today we went to Disney on Ice as a family. Perhaps I took the lazy road today with my challenge, because I KNEW I would feel so much joy as a mom watching the kids enjoy something so magical.

While all the kids loved it, my moment today is dedicated to sweet Spencer, who clapped and shouted, and yelled out (with the very best of his limited vocabulary) as the characters came out and skated around.

I have to say, I was jealous that Brandon got to hold him while I watched from a few seats down. His smile was so big...his energy so contagious...and I just wanted to snuggle that little guy right down in my arms and watch up close as the lights danced in his eyes.

SO much joy tonight...

Snowy Days...

Today when we got home from picking up Jenna from school, the kids headed straight to the backyard for some snow day fun.

I had wanted to just send them outside to play while I went in and made dinner...

But my sweet Spencer grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the back yard.

So I went.

I felt so much joy watching Jenna sled down the makeshift hill Brandon put together. And I just melted watching Kaden drop down on his back in 8 inches of snow and wildly wave his arms and legs while shouting, "it's a snow angel!"...and oh, how I smiled watching Spencer make "snowballs" and try to hit me with them.

I am becoming more and more aware of how much a few minutes can mean...not only to me, but to my children. I am beginning to see how much joy can be found in those few moments...and I am grateful.

Making lemonaid from lemons...

Today was such a struggle. I was pretty sure that between all the contention with the kids and messes and very frustrating post-school anger issues with Jenna, I wouldn't have anything to write today...

But as I was tucking Jenna in tonight, she looked at me and talked about how she doesn't like feeling angry.


My heart broke...


And in those few precious minutes of talking about feelings and what makes us angry and how we can handle things better, I knew what I would be writing here...

I was so grateful that I had those few minutes with her to discuss things. We may not have resolved EVERYTHING and things may not be 100% now, but I felt such joy in talking through things with her...listening to her feelings...and helping her know how much I love her, no matter what.


I knew this change in my thought process and goal to find more joy wouldn't mean a flawless home life. I never intended this goal to change our circumstances. I just hoped this goal would help me feel more peace about being a mom, especially on really crappy days.


And today, I think that very purpose was accomplished.

Taking time

Today I started my journey of finding more JOY in motherhood...

I decided that would take some time out of my day...out of the normal to-do's and read with the boys.

I don't know why I don't take time to do this more often. It was 20 minutes of stories and giggles and snuggling with my two sweet little boys.

And I loved every minute of it.

The Joy Journal...in the beginning

I have thought a lot about resolutions and starting a new year off...


I decided that this year I don't want to write that long list of overzealous ambitions that will probably not ever be checked off.


Instead, I just picked one thing...

JOY in the journey of motherhood.

It isn't that I feel like I am a terrible mother or am dissatisfied with my role. But let's face it...there are "days" (you are a mom like me if you know what THOSE kind of days are without explanation) that the one thing I look forward to is putting the kids in bed. :) I get frustrated and impatient...and I lack that joy I want to feel.

Over Christmas break we watched the movie The Nativity story. There is a point in the movie where Mary and Joseph are talking about what it will be like when Christ is born...and if they will be able to teach Him anything.


I asked Brandon, "How would it feel to raise the Son of God?!"


Immediately a thought came to my mind. I may not be raising THE son of God...but I am raising A son of God...2 of them...and a sweet daughter of God. And my calling to do that is a really special thing.


That thought has lead me to reading and prayer...to seeing where I need to change and what I need to do...


And I have come to the conclusion that what we sing in church, what I tell my children, and what I want them to believe about them being a child of God is the very thing I tend to forget when life is hectic or they are misbehaving...and even on days when things are going okay...


The truth is, I have 3 beautiful children entrusted to me from Heavenly Father. And I don't always feel like I have given them my best. I don't always feel like I have remembered what a special calling I have and why it is so sacred.


As I think about Brandon leaving in the next few months for externships, I have felt the anxiety of being a single parent and not having him to lean on for a break or backup. And it is during those times that I WANT to remember the very thought I had while watching Mary and Joseph discuss their grand role as the parents of Jesus Christ...That I have been entrusted with these special spirits, Children of God...

Because knowing that, and REMEMBERING that makes me feel more joy...more fulfillment in cleaning up messes and wiping runny noses and repeating myself 20 times when they aren't listening to me. :) I want to see and speak to my children like they are a blessing, not a burden. But most of all, I want them to know me as a mother who loves them...

And so my resolution with this is to have a joy journal...that I plan on dedicating just for this purpose. The purpose of writing down at least ONE joy I found each day in being a mother...and documenting it with pictures or funny things the kids say, or simply writing why I love one of them...or all of them! :) I hope this will help me see more clearly, and more often, what an important challenge I have taken on....and how rewarding it can truly be...especially on the really hard days.

Now, all this is not to say a mother does not need breaks...or time away...or lots of chocolate sometimes...because I most certainly do! And this is not to say I think things will be perfectly smooth now or that I will dedicate my every waking moment to them, because that is just impossible. But I know and feel that FOR MYSELF, I can give more...and do more...

And these sweet kids, they deserve that. They deserve my time and love and attention. And I don't want to have another week or month or year that I look back and feel like I should have done things different.

I read this quote a few weeks ago and really loved the message:

"As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives."
Jeffrey R. Holland, “The Best Is Yet to Be,” Ensign, Jan 2010, 22–27

And so I take on this challenge...this resolution...with hope and with faith that as I do, somehow the Lord will provide these glimpses I am searching for so that He can help mold me into the mother HE wants me to be for myself, as a partner to my husband, and for my children.