Love...

Dear Jenna,

Tonight you asked what our Family Night lesson would be about. I told you it would be about how Jesus showed us how to love others. You were SO excited about the lesson.

You offered to say the prayer at dinner. In it you said, "and please help all the people who don't know what love is..."

We hadn't even had the lesson yet! :) But it made my heart happy to know it was on your mind and you were anxious to learn...

You make me proud...

Love, mom

Living life like a second chance...

It's Valentine's Day.

And I hope you each know how much I love you.

You are the best gift one could ever receive...and you keep on giving year round. With your sweet smiles and hugs, and little personalities...I just love you so much.

Yet, there were many moments today where I felt overwhelmed and frustrated with each of you...for disobeying or for throwing fits...or some other thing.

And then I read a blog about a woman whose son accidentally drowned in a bathtub 2 weeks ago. He was just 16 months old...and he was announced DOA at the hospital.

But 2 weeks and a million miracles later, that same little boy was running on his own, out of the hospital. Can you imagine having a second chance at life like that? That very question is what was on my mind today, as I thought about each of you.

What would I do if you were gone and then came back? What would I change? Would I do less yelling? Would I do more playing? Would we snuggle more? And how many memories would I be anxious to take advantage of?

I guess the truth is, I would do a lot different. I would BE a lot different.

I am only human...I make so many mistakes...but yet I hope I can make the little changes to live life this time around like I would if there were a miraculous second time around...

That is in my heart...it is my desire and what I hope I can give to each of you, the way you give so many things to me.

I love you all, my little Valentines.

Love mom

Chitter chatter

Dear Jenna,

Today you talked and talked and talked. All day. You talked. You talked about people texting you on your pretend cell phone, and you chanted your way through playing on the Wii, and you did play by plays of every single thing that happened during our day.

IT WAS HILARIOUS.

You said so many things I can't even begin to write them all...

I just love seeing how your personality is developing...it's one of the most incredible miracles ever.

I love you little chatterbox!

Love, mom

A good man...

Dear kids,

Today we had a great day together. I found a million joyful moments I could write about.

But I wanted to write about an experience that reminded me of extreme joy...and that would be dad.

Tonight, daddy brought home some flowers--one pink, for Jenna, and one red, for me. He sneaked them inside and had Kaden and Spencer go in and sign cards for each of us to wish us a Happy Valentine's Day.

And then he had you boys bring them up to Jenna and I.

I was so touched. I loved that he thought of Jenna too, and that he involved the boys. One thing I love about daddy is that he really wants to teach you each how to be GOOD...but especially for the boys to grow up knowing how to be good and respectful men.

I hope you each know that the most important reason I married your daddy is because he IS a good man...a very good one. I hope you see that in his hard work and dedication...and in the way he plays with you guys...and most importantly, I hope you see it especially in the way he treats me.

Love, mom

A little snuggle...

Dear kids,

Today was an exciting day for me....it was Jenna's last day of school for the week, and the beginning of a 4 day weekend. I AM SO EXCITED! I love having you all home...

We had a nice, simple dinner and then after you each took a bath and got pj's on, we all snuggled on the couch and watched Harold and the Purple Crayon together. We laughed, and I listened to your funny comments...and I loved every moment.

I also realized that in the hundreds of times you have watched that show, I don't think I have ever seen the whole thing through...in fact, I don't think I have watched many of your favorite shows all the way through...and that's something I want to change.

It was a good way to end the day...snuggling close to each of you.

Love, mom

The Valentine

Dear Jenna,

Today was such a busy day for me. Running here and there in the middle of a snowstorm...trying to keep up with paperwork and stuff daddy needed done for school...I was exhausted! And after spending much of my day in the snow, I just wanted to come home and snuggle up in a big blanket.

And then I remembered that tomorrow is your last day of school for the week, meaning that it would be the day you bring Valentine's cards. I didn't want you to get to school and be crushed when other people were passing things out, and you had nothing, so we got all bundled up again and went back out into the blowing snow to go to the store.

I have to admit, the whole time I was thinking..."you owe me. You owe me big. You owe me for dragging myself out in the cold to make sure you have stinkin' cards to pass out...and you owe me for doing your laundry and making your lunch and bringing you a special snack after school every day and cleaning your room...and you owe me for all the times you go to the school nurse with silly ailments (like a potential loose tooth) that result in me getting called or notes sent home with instructions to give you pain medication...oh it makes me feel like such a lousy mom!"

But then as we got back in the car to go home, I listened to you count to 100 twice...and watched you tromp through the deep snow instead of the nicely shoveled path...and when we got home and you were in bed, I told you we would wakeup early so you could write you name on them. You were taken back...and crushed...because somewhere in all this you had thought you were sending Valentine cards in the mail, to everyone in the world...

And it was then I realized that it isn't you who owes me...

It is me that owes YOU...

for teaching me that there are more people to think about in life than just myself...

and for showing me that sometimes the best path is the one not already taken...

and for making me see that you are one incredible little girl.

I love you Jenna.

I always will.

Love, mom

Storytime...I have missed you.

Dear kids,

I think that for a long time I was relieved when daddy was there to take over for stories and give me a break. It was nice to skip out and give someone else the chance to read...

But after being sick and hacking up a lung for way too long, I realized I MISSED it. I missed reading and singing and talking with you...

And so today, I read...and I read...and I read some more. You snuggled close and listened to every word, and anxiously helped turn the pages. I loved it. Lots. I hope I don't ever take something so simple as reading to you for granted, ever again.

It made my day.

Love, mom

I will obey...

Dear kids,

Tonight we had a family night lesson on obedience.

I want you to know I am really trying to do what's right...even though you all don't sit still and your mouths and bodies are moving a mile a minute while we try to read scriptures and say prayers.

I am trying. Daddy and I are trying together. But some nights it's just me. That is part of life right now.

Kaden helped me make copies of the coloring pages, and we worked on the lesson. So when it came time to have it, we colored our little puppet people and put them on a popsicle stick so you could hold them in your hand. And we did a little role play with the puppets...

I would ask things like, "Jenna, will you please clean up your room?" or "Kaden, will you please pick up the trash?" and each person would respond with their puppet, "I will obey".

We said it so many times, that to an outsider it probably sounded like brainwashing. :)

I want you each to know that tonight, in the little circle we made sitting on the floor coloring paper people and talking about obedience, is how I want to remember being a mom. YOUR mom.

I love you. And I love that our family can be forever...

Love, mom

Is this....?

Dear Kaden,

Today I worked all afternoon on a wonderful Mexican feast. I marinated the meat for carne asada tacos and put all the fresh taco toppings in bowls, and we set out together to make homemade tortillas...we worked so hard on everything and I was so excited to eat.

As we sat down for dinner, you looked at the taco I had placed on your plate and picked through the delicious carne asada pieces and exclaimed, "Mom, is this poop?"

While it totally crushed my hard working heart, I have giggled about it all afternoon.

You always say the funniest things...and that makes me really, really happy.

Love you,

mom

Breakfast in bed isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Dear kids,

Today I got up early with you all, like usual, and decided we would make pancakes for breakfast. You love it when I make your pancake shaped as the first letter of your name. And as I was making them, daddy offered to let me go back to sleep and he would bring me breakfast in bed.

I was ECSTATIC!

So I raced upstairs and back into my cozy bed. I laid there snuggled up, nice and warm, and eventually daddy brought me a stack of pancakes to eat while I read emails and such.

It was a moment I should have been thrilled to have...

But I wasn't.

Instead, I heard your happy voices downstairs, devouring your letter pancakes and laughing and having a great time. And every part of me wished I was downstairs with you...taking in the morning together.

You guys make life more fun. You do. And I love the good times we have together...

Just wanted you to know that.

Love, mom

When?

Dear Spencer,

I thought about you a lot today. You are growing up so fast. Sometimes I look at you and I have to do a double-take to make sure it's really YOU!

One of my favorite things is to watch when daddy takes you to the bathroom before we go to bed. You are SOOOO sleepy, and so daddy carries your body in his arms....the very same little body that used to be snuggled so small in one compact little bundle is now composed of legs that dangle down and arms that wrap around daddy's shoulders.

When, little Spence, did you get so big?

When did I blink and let it happen?

I have been watching you closely...watching to make sure you wouldn't grow up too fast on me. But yet, you somehow have.

It just makes me want to take a full day to snuggle, and hold you so close, because every single day you seem to be THAT much older...that much more independent.

And my love for you grows THAT much more.

I love you little man.

Love, mom

Oh Boy!

Dear baby inside of me,

Today I got to go for a last minute ultrasound. As the technician searched around my belly to make sure everything was okay inside, it became clear as day that YOU are a boy.

I must say I sat in silence, mulling it all over.

A boy? Another boy? Really?

I was just so surprised.

It isn't that I didn't WANT a boy...that isn't the case at all. I just don't think I have ever pictured ME having so many boys!

But I let that fact sink in as I watched the rest of the ultrasound...your little heart fluttering, your perfect hands and feet, your cute profile, the way your legs stuck straight up, and how you flipped right over when the technician was trying to get a good shot. I found myself in complete awe watching you...this little person inside of me.

Perhaps I never pictured a family with so many boys...but sweet little guy, I just can't picture this family without YOU.

Thank you for being such a joyous surprise today.

I can't wait to meet you.

Love, mom

p.s. if you have any brilliant ideas for names, please send them our way. We are completely stumped.

Sometimes it's not a moment...

Today as I looked for a moment of joy to record here, I just could not pinpoint ONE. There was so many little snippets of my day that flashed through my mind as I sat down to write.

And I came to the conclusion that sometimes joy is not found in just one moment. But rather all those little moments make up the most wonderful feeling of joy.

The hugs and snuggling, and the sibling-given nickname of best friend...it's the praise over dinner and the smiles after baths, and just looking at each child and loving that they are mine.

Today joy was an experience.

And I loved it.

Fingerprints

Dear Kaden,

Today we had yogurt for breakfast. You took it upon yourself to smear it all over your hands and wipe it all over the window by the table.

I was so mad. LIVID.

I asked you several times to stop, and you ignored me in 3 year old style.

This made me even MORE angry.

But after getting Jenna to school and coming back home to take care of stuff, I saw those fingerprints over and over....and yet I could not bring myself to wipe them away.

All I could think was that someone, somewhere, was probably wishing they had yogurt smeared all over their windows. Perhaps it was someone who has lost a child, or someone who has not yet been able to have one, or someone whose child will never be able to use their hands to make messes like that.

It stayed on my mind all day...those fingerprints...and you. And how lucky I am to have you, messes and all.

And I realized how truly lucky I am when I was making you an apron today and you ran upstairs and exclaimed, "oh mom! My favorite color! Blue stripes!!!" And you hugged me as I held up the apron against your little body and you said, "mom, you make the BEST aprons EVER!"

Yes, Mr. Kaden. I will take those fingerprints all over my window every day of the year if it means I have you here with me.

Love, mom

One happy girl

Dear Jenna,

Today you were such an angel.

It was your first day back to school after missing a whole week. You told me on the way to school that you were so excited to just get out of that house! I couldn't agree more.

After school you were anxious to show me all your papers and things that filled your neglected backpack. Boy do we have a lot to catch up on! You walked me through your day and talked to me while we made dinner together, and you then gobbled up every bite on your plate!

You did a workout with daddy today--which you love. You are quite the little exercise champ! And when it came time for scriptures and prayer you sat still and listened quietly and did just as we asked.

It isn't that I love you MORE when you are so good, but I love seeing the wonderful girl you ARE when you behave so well. It makes me feel so proud of you and all you are becoming.

It was a good day, my happy girl.

Love you,

mom