almost 2 months?

Dear kids-

Has it really been almost 2 months?

sigh. It appears I am failing miserably at my quest to write you daily...but do know I think about the things you are learning and doing and the way you inspire my life daily.

Much of the last 2 months have been hectic. Daddy was gone most of that time on his clinical rotations--which meant it was just me and you guys. And I have to say that was not always easy. We spent a month in Idaho as well, hanging out with family and friends--I loved watching each of you latch on to certain cousins, and to laugh and run around so carefree. Those 4 weeks spent with grandmas and grandpas and cousins and aunts and uncles are weeks I will always treasure.

I hope you do too.

Daddy has been home with us for just over a week now, and it's been so nice to have him around. You guys love your dad...and he loves you...and watching you together is something so magical to me. He knows exactly how to make you laugh and the best games to play--and he knows how to read the perfect stories and captivate you with pretend play. He is truly a great man...

We are getting ready for the birth of the new baby...tomorrow in fact. It is hard to believe that the time is here already! I still remember when I was pregnant with Jenna and the time passed SO SLOW. I am pretty sure I counted every single day and knew down to the second I should have had her. :) This time, the minutes and days and months flew by.

In preparation for this baby to come, I have kept busy getting stuff around the house done...and I had an experience yesterday that really made me feel the need to sit down and write to you again--

Yesterday, in your quest to help me clean, you sprayed cleaner with bleach in on the nice quilts you have on your beds. So now, all your nice bedding has lovely bleach spots. I was livid. Not one blanket...not two blankets...but all three. I didn't know if I should cry, or yell, or run away and not come back for the rest of the night.

The thing is, getting so angry about the quilts made me feel even WORSE! The reality is, they are just material things. And if I had to choose you kids or a blanket, I would clearly choose my kids. But yet, in that moment I just couldn't keep it together. I was short-tempered...and really have been a lot lately. Perhaps it's the end of pregnancy playing games with me. Perhaps it's the extreme heat...or the fact that I haven't slept well...but the fact is, I definitely don't feel like you have gotten my best the past little bit.

I. HATE. THAT.

And I hate that I have been flustered with you...because that's not what is in my heart. Instead of just playing on the floor and snuggling on the couch reading stories, I have been cleaning up the stuff from off the floor and pushing anyone who felt the need to hang all over me (it's been super hot here!) :) I have been frantically trying to cross of my list of to-do's...because that seemed so much more important.

But tonight......tonight I feel so disappointed with myself and how I have reacted to you lately. I just wish I could go right in and snuggle you all (next to the air conditioner...lol) and tell you that I was wrong--wrong to get so upset about the bleach spots on your quilts--and wrong to put so many of my to-do's ahead of you. I just want you to know today, that even though you have struggled with being stir-crazy in this house and I have struggled with emotions and sleeping and life, that I love you and need you in my life...that I would choose YOU all over again if I could rewind life and do it all over.

Tomorrow. Planning on there being a tomorrow that I can try to make this right...to soak in your joy and excitement over baby Carter...to snuggle you for a bit...to listen to your silly stories...and to spend some good moments together on our last day as a family of 5...

love, mom

New things

Dear Kaden,

Today we went to a new preschool to have you evaluated to see if you would be able to go there in the fall. You were SO excited!

You want to be in school SO BADLY. You watch Jenna and want to be just like her--you want to have sight words and a backpack and a teacher and class. You want it all! :) So this preschool was something VERY exciting for you.

I dropped you off at the class...and then went to read in the lobby. After a while, I got tired of sitting and went to see if I could peek in on you. You happened to be playing outside. I watched you for a good, long while. You ran here and there...you did your thing...you tried everything out. You loved it all. And I loved watching you love it all.

I think sometimes as your mom, I just get used to seeing you play every day...and to see you outside of being with ME, really made me love seeing the you that is a social little guy who loves to play and be with others.

And it also made me want to just sit and watch you much more often.

I love you. And I love watching you love new things.

Love, mom

Letter from dad

Dear Jenna,

I have been thinking about you a lot today. I have told everyone that today is my little girls birthday. Time is going by so fast and you aren't my baby anymore. I remember when you were born. Your mom and I were so excited to have you join our family. We felt strongly, even before the doctors told us, that you would be a girl; a very special girl who really completes our family. ON May 18 2004 we went to the hospital in the morning and we were so excited for you to be born. We waited all day and you finally came that evening. You were so small and precious. The first time I held you I knew that you were my little princess. You have made me so happy over the years. When you were a baby, I loved having you fall asleep on my tummy. I would snuggle you for hours. Sometimes, I hoped that you would wake up in the middle of the night so I could get up and have that special time with my girl. As you learned to walk you wanted to do everything by yourself. When you were one year old, I would take you to the park and you would always want to play on all the toys all by yourself. You didn't worry if I was close or not. You wanted to explore the whole world. When you were two you started to talk more and more. I used to try to get you to say funny words like blithen or shmooken because I thought it was so cute when you did. When you were three you were a big helper with your brothers. You would bring diapers and sing songs and tell stories. They love spending time with you. You would also listen to the stories of the book of Mormon. You would teach the missionaries about the stories you had heard. We were shocked that you knew them so well. When you were four you wanted to learn everything. You always asked me why things work the way they do. I was amazed at how well you learned the things that interested you. You were always trying to figure things out. You are such a smart girl and when you try hard you can be good at anything. When you were five you started going to kindergarten. I am always surprised by how well you are reading. You are a great helper and your brothers watch you and try hard to do the things that you do. Now that you are six I look forward to the memories that we will have. I have loved our special times together and playing games. I love it when we work together to make our home better. You are a special girl and I'm so glad that I am your daddy. I always want you to be happy. Mommy and I try hard to teach you the things that have made us happy and I know that if you obey, and learn about Heavenly Father and Jesus that you can find happiness all your life no matter where you are. I love you so much. Always remember that. I hope you have a happy birthday.

Love

Daddy.

Too much cuteness!

Jenna,

Today at breakfast, you watched Spencer lick the last drops of syrup off his plate. He was VERY focused on this, and because the plates are see-through, you watched his tongue make funny wiggles across the surface. You giggled...and said ," mom, Spencer is just SO CUTE!"

I agreed.

And then you said, "I think we should get rid of him because there is just TOO MUCH CUTENESS IN THIS HOUSE!"

Oh that made me laugh REALLY hard. :)

There is a lot of cuteness in this house--you included little lady! And I love it!

Love mom

A long, long while

Dear kids,

As you can tell by the date, it's been a long, long while since I got on here and wrote to you.

Oh how this saddens me!

I wrote you each letters in my mind daily...as I was sweeping the floor, rushing about, taking care of things that needed done. And I hoped I would get them written down!

But time passed...all too quickly, I might add. And my memory is not what it used to be. :)

I can tell you we have had some good days...and we have had some not so good days...but each day there has been something I have found...something good...something wonderful. It's hard not to with kids like you.

But today, I had to put the dirty dishes down...leave the broom in the middle of the kitchen floor...let things just BE for right now...because I feel so very impressed to tell you how much I love you.

I need you to know that. I do.

I often find myself getting really irritated at the times that I become frustrated with you guys...I snap quicker than I want to...my tone of voice is not one that I feel would be pleasing to my Heavenly Father. I find myself just needing to let go...to remember that you are children...to not expect perfection on an adult level.

And that's how it was tonight.

I don't even remember what spurred it initially...probably nothing that actually had to do with any of you. But as things unfolded, I found that little by little I was getting angrier and angrier...and I was taking my frustrations out on you guys.

We read stories, read scriptures, and knelt down for family prayer. We have started saying something each night that we are thankful for, so that the person who says the family prayer can be sure to include those things, and hopefully help our family to be more grateful. You guys really love this...and I love hearing your answers.

So tonight, we went through each of you...and then I asked someone to say prayer.

Jenna, you stopped me and said, "mom...what are YOU thankful for?"

Oh how this broke my heart. I hadn't even thought of a single thing...I had been so frazzled with my frustrations from the evening that I didn't put myself in that moment with you.

I felt my heart softening...it was the very thing I needed to turn the night around.

And really, I couldn't pick just one thing. I was thankful to each of you...and FOR each of you...thankful that daddy is working so hard to get through school....thankful for a roof over our head and food to eat...thankful for family...and that we get to be together forever. And I was thankful for second chances...and third chances. Because I certainly need my fair share.

I love you all. I do, even if I don't get to write every single night, like I originally planned on doing. Know it's in my heart...my thoughts...and I am really trying to be better.

Love,

mom

Prayer

Dear Kaden,

Today was your first prayer in primary.

I got to stand next to you, and listen to your little voice copy what I said.

You had been SO nervous before....in fact, I wasn't sure you were actually going to follow through and do it at all! But you were such a champ.

You made me proud little man.

Love, mom

pizza parties

Dear kids,

One thing I love is making pizza as a family. It's pretty much a weekly thing at this point--and I just think it's one of my favorite traditions we have together.

It's the homemade dough that you each love to steal so you can make your own stuff...it's the sauce you love to dip your fingers in...it's the cheese you try to sneak by the handful, only to leave a trail of it as you run out of the room. It's the smell of baking red peppers and bacon and olives and sausage...and hearing you each say YUM over and over.

I love it. Each part. Each piece...

Love, mom

Diaper Races

Dear kids,

Every night, right before climbing in bed, daddy and I have a race getting the boys nighttime diapers on.

Jenna, you are the one who gets it all started with your GO.

I love being surrounded by the cheering, the laughing, and the happy voices.

I have to admit, that lately I am losing my touch. :) Daddy has won the past few times...

What makes me laugh, Kaden, is that every single time (even those times you don't win) you come up to me and laugh while saying, "IN YOUR FACE!!"

Oh how I love those giggly moments before bed...

Love, mom

So grown up.

Dear Spencer,

Today we went to visit Squires castle. While it isn't really a "castle" per se, it may as well be in your eyes. It's empty, and a place for you to run and play...to imagine...to climb and dream and imagine.

And today, you did all those things.

And today, I saw you in a completely different light. I had my camera, taking pictures, trying to capture each of you in your element. There was a moment I had to stop--to actually put my camera down and just stare at you. You were so grown up.


I have had these ah-ha moments before. That's nothing new. But this experience just seemed so different. It was as if I saw you as you are, and yet as you will become, all in one.


I am grateful for that experience...and grateful for YOU...

Love you,
mom

Spring break...part 1

Dear kids,

Today was the first day of spring break, without having daddy around.

We went shopping for shoes for Kaden, picked up some new coloring books and paints, and spent much of the day in the sprinklers and playing outside.

While there were parts of the day that were difficult, I just love much about having you all around.

You all play nicely a good portion of the time...and I love how you rally around each other.

You're just good kids...I hope you know that.

Love mom

Easter Sunday

Dear Jenna,

Today was Easter...and also conference weekend. This meant we stayed at home and listened to the speakers. You brought home a little coloring book from primary the week before, so you could color the people as they spoke.

I didn't get to sit with you the whole time, but I loved popping in and watching you coloring intently...and I loved you showing off your artwork.

You're just growing up...and you make me proud.

Love, mom

The sandbox

Dear kids,

A few months ago, our neighbor gave us a sand/water table. We finally got the chance to put it up today. I cannot tell you HOW EXCITED I was to do this, because I knew you would love it!

I was sooo right! You did. You all stayed out and played all afternoon...

You came in full of sand, and completely happy.

And I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Love you my little sand-diggers. :)

mom

Eggshelland adventures

Dear Spencer,

Today we went to a place called Eggshelland--a house with all sorts of amazing displays, all put together by handpainted eggs.

It was a beautiful day. And daddy happened to have the day off school and such, so we all got to go together.

You ran around the driveway, yelling out in the best words you could, things like "EGGS, EGGS" and "DUCK, BIRD, BUNNY". Oh you were sooo excited.

It made my heart super duper happy...

Love mom

April Fools...

Dear kids,

Today was April Fool's day. And boy did we have FUN!

I worked all morning getting stuff ready. For lunch, we started with cupcakes. You guys were THRILLED! Cupcakes? For lunch?! You had no idea that it really was a meatball in a mini cupcake wrapper, topped with piped mashed potatos and a grape tomato on top...

Spencer, do you see your face?? You were less than thrilled that I pulled a fast one on your beloved "cherry". :)

While you were eating (and moaning about) your cupcakes, Kaden asked for a drink. I pulled out some "juice" (which was really jello I had made earlier in the day and put in the fridge with a straw).) Your faces were SO funny! You were shocked that you could sip NOTHING from your cups! I then told you that you were good sports, and since you had played along with my pranks, we would have pizza......a large pita topped with strawberry puree, grated white chocolate, gummy worms in red and green (for the bell peppers), black licorice for olives, and fruit rollup pepperoni.

IT WAS HILARIOUS! :)

I loved tricking you--and being the prankster. Though I am sure you will pay me back many more times in the years to come.

I love you all--and that's no joke! :)

Love, mom

Love me tender

Dear Jenna,

Today you had your spring concert, where you sang various Elvis songs.

You were stoked about this...and I just love seeing you excited! You were insistent you look like Elvis--but once you got to school, you saw some girls all dolled up, and then you realized that "they look like girls who want to date Elvis"....

Suddenly your pedal pushers, button up white shirt, and neck scarf were not good enough. :)

But you sang your heart out. You looked so cute up there belting out the words to "You ain't nothing but a hound dog" and "Love me tender".

You are quite the performer...on stage and off.

You did great. I love you!

Love, mom